Monday, December 8, 2008

Worst Christmas presents ever

5. Very large ceramic representation of the last supper.
One year my mom decided to buy each of her children (and our spouses) a huge last supper sculpture. I'm sure this was a great deal from Wal-Mart, she love a bargain, and she loves her religion to her it was the perfect present. The thing was huge and heavy, easily 18 inches wide by almost 10 inches tall. I don't know how she bought four of these things by herself. But she happily gave one to each one of us. Props to John for trying to push our last supper ceramic into Geoff and Pat's pile. But Geoff was on to us, he made sure we didn't "forget" to pack it in our car. And we were almost out the door, too.

4. Underwear.
For some reason both my mother-in-law and my step mother-in-law found it appropriate to buy me underwear for Christmas. What's worse was that it was usually little girl underwear, I mean really young underwear, like I was 5. Puppies, kittens, maybe even days of the week. The last straw was when John's little sister (who is 10 years younger then me) got more grown up underwear than I did. She had normal underwear in solid colors, and I was still opening up underwear with little duckies. Then my step-mom-in-law goes for all the bling, the ones where rudolf's nose lights up, and plays music. Again, maybe if I was 5, I'd think this was cool. But even back then, I thought underwear was a weird present...and don't even get me started on the sizes...when you buy underwear for someone and you don't know their size, I think smaller is better, lest you send the message that you think the person has a big ass.

3. Log
This one John gave to his high school girlfriend's little brother. Remember Ren and Stimpy? Remember the fake commercial they had of Log? It's log, it's's big, it's heavy it's wood? Well, it was a little joke between John and the little elementary school kid, but that same kid did not find it funny at Christmas to open the super-hyped present of a real log.

2.Water wings
Again, John out did himself. The same family mentioned above, was treated to a little gift for their new parakeet the year after the log. Only thing was they had to kill their old parakeet because it was having seizures and they couldn't afford the medical care, so they drowned the poor thing. The water wings brought every family member to tears (even her dad).

1. Michael Jackson accessories.
One year a long time ago, my sisters and I opened our presents from an Aunt with my cousin (her son) close by watching. We each got some kind of Michael Jackson accessory, I'm not saying that MJ himself would wear these things, no. I'm saying they were accessories with Michael Jackson essence, or they were inspired by him or at least his clothes. There was a time when MJ ruled the airwaves and he was the coolest, and this was loooooong past that time. But even if it wasn't, a stretchy belt with a glittered white glove buckle was not something any self-respecting fan would wear. Nor would they wear rainbow suspenders with white glittery shoes "doing" the moonwalk. But we thanked our aunt, it was Christmas after all, we tried our best to be gracious. But I guess the looks on our faces gave us away, because my cousin who was the oldest cousin, and always the smart ass; took great pleasure in our pain, he was in hysterics laughing at us with our Micheal Jackson stuff. And he was particularly happy that it was a sincere present from his mom.

Until it was his turn and my mom gave him his present, from our family. We watched, as he carefully opened, what looked like maybe a scarf, but once it was fully opened it was a piece of cloth. Now my other aunt was a seamstress, so it was pretty obvious that my mom hadn't bought him a present at all, and only went to the other room to wrap up some remnant fabric my seamstress aunt had left over. But the look on my cousin's face, mere moments after he was taunting us for getting the worst presents ever...well we took special delight in relishing that look, when my mom proceeded to hold up the fabric and list all the things he could make from it, "you can make a shirt, or a vest..." It was too much, we nearly peed we were laughing so hard. So the worst present ever: remnant fabric. But it's pretty funny when you aren't the recipient.

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